just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
