The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
