You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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