Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
