tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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