My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
