I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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