I am midnight drunk by noon
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
