She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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