mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
