I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
