I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
