when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize