is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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