Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
