i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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