Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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