I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize