I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
