cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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