dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
