The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
