I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
