I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
