i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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