Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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