i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
