I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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