tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
