Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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