thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize