One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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