there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
