I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize