He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
