Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
