Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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