17 year olds will be the death of me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
