I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
