I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize