Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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