Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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