True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
