saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I haven't been this sober since birth.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
