Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm both gender and math confused
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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