the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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