Ketchup is God's man juice
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
