he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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