I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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