Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
