remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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