Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
