She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
