Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
