I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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