if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
