I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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