I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
