Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He kissed a someone with a penis
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
