some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
