it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
