she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
