Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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