So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
