Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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