just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
