During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Boobs speak an international language.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
